


I Can't Feel My Heart Anymore

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Songfic, implied anorexia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 19:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3499952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan doesn't want to live like this anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Feel My Heart Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Aayyyyy another thingy mcjigger ^^ This was my third fic so hey give me some credit... This is a songfic based of Can You Feel My Heart - Bring Me the Horizon. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it <333

**_Can you hear the silence_ **

**_Can you see the dark_ **

I always liked to lock myself in my room, burying myself in my blankets and not coming out until I got hungry. I liked to surround myself with darkness, it’s where I felt at home. Maybe that’s just because my mind had been nothing but an empty void recently. You could shine a light into my eyes or shout at me all you wanted, but  all I could see and hear was darkness and silence. My life looked like a bottomless pit, and I was falling into it with nothing to stop me. It was sempiternal.

* * *

 

**_Can you fix the broken_ **

"Phil, do you think you can fix something broken?"

Why did I do that? AmazingPhil couldn’t know I was broken. I was content with it being like this, with Phil thinking I was a normal adult instead of some depressed 18 year old kid.

"Well, it depends on if I have glue or not," he said smiling.

Apparently he didn’t notice the dead look on my face. Or I hoped he didn’t. Phil wouldn’t get dragged into this, not like my parents and my brother. I just couldn’t bear to bring him sadness. This was my problem and not his.

* * *

 

**_Can you feel, can you feel my heart_ **

I placed my hand over my chest sometimes, desperately trying to feel a heartbeat. I just needed reassurance  that I was still alive. It certainly felt like I wasn’t. The days were becoming harder to survive, and they felt like a hunt for an exit of my mind. I knew that if I didn’t find it soon, I was going to die. It was like a death wish, killing yourself on the inside over and over again.

* * *

 

**_Can you help the hopeless_ **

**_Well, I’m begging on my knees_ **

"Well Mister Howell, you can stay here while I’ll go to talk to your mum, okay?"

I already knew what he was going to tell her. That I was hopeless, that I was beyond saving. That he was just a psychiatrist. That there couldn’t be anything done about my state. That should he go and help people who were worth saving. Not me.

"I will see you next week again, Mister Howell. Goodbye." 

When I walked out of the room, my mum was crying.

* * *

 

**_Can you save my bastard soul_ **

My soul had been attacked too many times, no one knew what it was anymore. Even my parents didn’t see me as their son. Why did they even bother trying to fix me? I wasn’t Daniel James Howell anymore, I had changed into a depressed being, who was once human, but changed into something beyond recognition. My soul was in a sorry state.

* * *

 

**_Will you wait for me_ **

Would there be anyone waiting for me if I got out of my depression? Or would I have scared them all away? I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat and I hardly talked to anybody anymore, except Phil, and our video chats on Skype had become rare too. I didn’t want him to see how fucked up I really was. I had become skinny, I weighed around 130 pounds, but I wasn’t skinny enough. My eyes had dark circles under them and I hadn’t touched my straighteners in weeks. It’s getting harder to feel alive.

* * *

 

**_I’m sorry brother_ **

**_So sorry lover_ **

**_Forgive me father_ **

**_I love you mother_ **

_Dear Mom, Dad and Adrian. I’m terribly sorry to write this letter, and I wished I would never had to do this, but I just can’t handle it anymore. Seeing you sad all the time, and it is all my fault. I am a victim of myself, but I dragged you with me. Life just hasn’t been good enough to you because of me, and I have decided to give you a chance at living again by removing myself from your lives._

_All the luck and love in the world,_

_Dan_

* * *

 

**_Can you hear the silence_ **

**_Can you see the dark_ **

**_Can you fix the broken_ **

**_Can you feel my heart_ **

I ran away to the nearest train station and jumped on the first train to Manchester. Phil was the only person I knew I could go to.

Carefully, I slipped a hand under my shirt and placed it right over my heart. I felt nothing. Not the usual thumping. Not a single movement. My heart had stopped beating. I was finally dead inside.

_Silence_

**D a r k n e s s**

~~ B ~~

~~ R ~~

~~ O ~~

~~ K ~~

~~ E ~~

~~ N ~~

* * *

 

**_I’m scared to get close and I hate being alone_ **

I didn’t want to be at Phil’s house, but I had nowhere else to go. I didn’t want to be so close to him. He was going to find out. It was better if I just was alone, where no one could see the abomination that was me. But I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I had been alone for too long. And besides, my life’s already is already worse than any pain someone else could bring.

* * *

 

**_I long for that feeling to not feel at all_ **

I may look happy, but the only way you’d really see me smile is if you would cut me ear to ear. It was the only thing I felt anyway besides numbness. The excruciating pain of the knowledge that I was better of dead, because it wasn’t worth living anymore. I wanted to stop the constant feeling of being alive while being dead. I didn’t want to feel anymore.

* * *

 

**_The higher I get, the lower I’ll sink_ **

I had been getting better recently. Just being in Phil’s presence was enough to get me a little happier. That’s why it wasn’t good for me to be with him. Whenever I got happier, I got more depressed afterwards. Phil, with his optimism and kindness, was unintentionally killing me even further. I was wrong when I said that my life’s already is already worse than any pain someone else could bring. Phil was bringing me the worst kind of pain. The pain of knowing that the world doesn’t care. That everybody is happy without you. That nobody’s going to feel your pain. That I’m just lost and all alone.

* * *

 

**_I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim_ **

Fuck me. I was right. They keep coming back. They don’t stop. This is sempiternal, I will never see the end. Every time I defeat them, they return stronger. I need to tell Phil. But if I’d let him in, he’d just want out and if I’d tell him the truth, he’d vie for a lie. What am I to do when I don’t have a clue what’s going on with me?

* * *

 

_**Can you hear the silence** _

**_Can you see the dark_ **

**_Can you fix the broken_ **

**_Can you feel, can you feel my heart_ **

I had decided to tell him everything, that all of it was an act. The fact that I didn’t really exist anymore. That I had never had an existential crisis, and everything was a lie.

After the tears had dried in his glowing eyes, he silently walked up to me and placed his hand over the spot where my heart used to be.

"I’m going to make you live again," he whispered. And then he kissed me.

For the first time in forever, I heard something other than silence. I heard Phil’s voice pierce the bubble around me and everything in my felt strangely alive.

The blackness that was Phil’s eyes changed to blue and I could see colours. No darkness.

And slowly, I felt something thumping in my chest again.

**Author's Note:**

> this was also posted on my [tumblr](http://ninchuser.tumblr.com)


End file.
